Audience benefits and the you view 2052

 Hi, please I was wondering if you can check my work. I need help in punctuation and If you notice a big horrible mistake please let me know. Thank you !! 

Chapter 4
4.1 Audience Benefits and the You View
YOUR TASK. Revise the following sentences to emphasize the perspective of the audience and the “you” view.
a.    We have prepared the enclosed form that may be used by victims to report identity theft to creditors.

Because your financial security is important to us, please use the enclosed form to report identity theft

b.    To help us process you order with our new database software need you to go to our website and fill out the customer information required.

To process your order more efficiently, please complete the customer information required in our website.

c.    We are now offering RapidaAssist, a software program we have developed to provide immediate technical support through our website to your employees and customers.

Now a new software program can provide to your employees and customers technical support through our website.

d.    We find it necessary to restrict parking in the new company lot to those employee vehicles with “A” permits.

All employee vehicles with “A” permits are required to relocated permanently from the new company lot to the other areas of parking

e.    To avoid suffering the kinds of monetary losses experienced in the past, our credit union now prohibits the cashing of double endorsed checks presented by our customers.

Because our credit union cares about your welfare and your financial priorities, the credit union had the decision of no longer accepting cashing double endorsed checks.

f.    Our warranty goes into effect only when we have received the product’s registration card from the purchaser.
When a customer decides to acquire our products, you also receive the best quality and guaranty as soon you return your product’s registration card.

g.    Unfortunately, the computer and telephone systems will be down Thursday afternoon when we will be installing upgrades to improve both systems. 

Computer and telephones systems are upgrading to improve better service to you, and Installation will be on Thursday. 

h.    As part of our company effort to be friendly to the environment, we are asking all employees to reduce paper consumption by communicating by e-mail and avoiding printing.

The company is making a special invitation to all the employees, to be friendly to the environment; by reducing paper consumption and communication by email, and avoiding as possible printing. Together our effort will make a big difference.

4.3 Positive and Courteous Expression (Obj.4)
YOUR TASK. Revise the following statement to make them more positive.
a.    Plans for a new community center cannot go forward without full community support.

Having the entire support of the community, ensure the plans for a new community center.

b.    We must withhold authorizing payment of your contractor’s fee because our superintendent claims your work was incomplete.

To authorizing the payment of your contractor’s fee, it is required to be complete your work.

c.    If you do not fill in all of the blanks in the application form, we cannot issue a password.

To provide you a password, please fill and complete the application form.

d.    It is impossible for the builder to pour the concrete footings until the soil is no longer soggy

Waiting for a favorable condition in the temperature will make possible, for the builder to pour the concrete footing.

e.    Although you apparently failed to consult the mounting instructions for your Miracle Wheatgrass Extractor, we are enclosing a set of clamps to fasten the device to a table. A new set of instructions is enclosed.

We forward to receive completed your consult soon, about the mounting instructions of wheatgrass extractor. Hence, we enclose a set of clamps to fasten the device to the table is ready, and the new set of instructions is enclosed.

f.    We regret to announce that the special purchase price on iPads will be available only to the first 25 buyers.
You can qualify for a special purchase price on IPads if you are the first 25 buyers. 
4.4 Bias-Free Language
YOUR TASK. Revise the following sentences to reduce gender, racial, ethnic, age and disability bias.
a.    Every employee must wear his photo identification on the job.

All employee will wear his or her photo identification on the job

b.    The conference will offer special excursion for the wives of executives.

The conference will offer special excursion for the spouses of executives

c.    Does each salesman have his own smartphone loaded with his special sales information?

Does each sales representative have his or her smartphone loaded with special sales information?

d.    A policeman is responsible for covering his territory.

A police officer is responsible for covering his or her territory

e.    Serving on the panel are a lady veterinarian, an Indian CPA, two businessmen, and a female doctor.
Serving on the panel are a Veterinarian, a CPA, two Business person, and a doctor.

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